WWE Announces Written Wellness Policy Test for Part-Time Performers

Triple H Wellness Test

WWE took a big step toward showing that they treat all talents equally by announcing that part-time talents will now also be subjected to Wellness Policy testing.  As you may recall, Brock Lesnar failed a drug test after his UFC return and WWE responded by telling the media that Brock was only a part-time performer therefore was not subject to the same testing as full-time talents. The uproar has caused WWE to finally address the situation.

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A fictional press conference was held and hosted by none other WWE COO Triple H, who happens to enjoy getting ridiculously jacked himself right around March of every year. H stated that no one gets special treatment in WWE ever including his buddies or stars from his era.  He then went on to go over the details of the test:

“Beginning today, our part-time performers (myself included) will be subject to a written test that will be administered at random.  We want all WWE performers to be subjected to the same rules, and now even part-time performers will have to follow them as well. We want to show that guys like Goldberg can come back to WWE in their late 40s and still look just like they did 20 years ago…by natural means of course.”

WWE Part Time

“The test will consist of 2 questions which will read:

  1. Have you used any performance enhancing substances in the past 2 hours?

Followed by:

2. If you answered “yes,” do you promise to never ever do it again?

If the performers fail the test, they will only get 10 more tries to get it right before disciplinary action is taken.  After the 10th failure, the talent will be forced to take a course in proper written test taking and must present their certificate of completion in order to be welcomed back to the company.”

Obviously WWE is serious about keeping things clean and this no-nonsense hardline approach will get the message across to all talents. WWE is going to put it all on paper because they know these talents could never lie to them.

Triple H ended the press-less conference by letting everyone know that WWE wants each talent to be in the best shape possible by natural means, just like Jinder Mahal.

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